Why stop with eliminating references to Santa smoking?
- What about Santa’s poor example due to his obesity?
- Why confuse and discriminate against modern children, many of whom live in houses or apartments without chimneys? For that matter, modern homes don’t generally have shutters, either.
- What about the odd night-clothes, and what exactly are sugar plums?
- And too much vocabulary is over the head of modern children (can we say ‘breast’ without giggling? What are coursers? What are peddlers?).
- Who for that matter is St Nicholas (don’t modern kids just know him as Santa Claus)?
- And only eight reindeer? Where is Rudolph, the most important reindeer of all?
- And modern Santa is hardly an elf, nor is his sleigh miniature nor his reindeer tiny.
Yes, this poem screams for modernization for today’s children who cannot possibly understand the archaic and inappropriate original.
A Visit from Santa Claus
'Twas Christmas Eve, and all through the apartment [or condo, or house],
Except for the cars going by, things were as quiet as a mouse;
The stockings were taped to the wall with care,
In hopes that Santa Claus soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Xbox 360’s danced in their heads,
And Mom in her nightgown, and I in my shorts,
Had just turned off the TV after watching the sports —
When out on the street there arose such a noise,
I jumped out of bed to yell at those boys.
Away to the window I stumbled and tripped,
Opened the blinds, and just about flipped.
The moon on the top of the dirty black snow,
Gave the dimness of midnight to objects below;
When, what to my sleep-starved eyes should appear,
But a big flying sleigh pulled by nine magic reindeer,
With a tall, handsome driver, a man without flaws,
I knew in a moment he must be Santa Claus.
More rapid than jet planes his reindeer they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now! Jacob, now! Emma, now! Noah and Sophia,
"On! Jose, on! Caleb, on! Chloe and Mia;
"Follow Rudolph to the roof; get goin’ y’all!
"Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As leaves that get blown by the wind when they’re dry,
Swirl round and round and up to the sky;
So up to the roof the reindeer they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys — and Santa Claus too:
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The damage to my shingles from each little hoof.
As I muttered and cursed, and was turning around,
Down in the living room Santa I found:
He was dressed all in faux fur, from his head to his toes,
And his clothes were clean, and he smelled like a rose;
A bundle of toys was flung on his back,
And he looked like a student just opening his pack:
His eyes were brown [or green or blue];
His beard was white, his skin was [you pick the hue];
A super-hero, he, with six-pack abs and a tat,
Made me wish I had jogged more and not gotten fat;
A wink of his eye and a tip of his hat
Soon gave me to know I could put down the bat.
He spoke not a word, but went down on one knee,
To put lots of presents under the tree;
After tying a bike with a pretty red bow,
And giving a nod, to the roof did he go.
As he buckled his seat belt, he looked carefully ‘round,
Told Rudolph, “Let’s go! — to the neighbors we’re bound”:
But I heard him exclaim just a sec ere he flew —
“Merry Christmas to all, and ‘ho, ho, ho’, too.”